I am falling. Deeper and deeper into the filth of my own madness. Alone, scared and lost I wander in my minds vast desolate fields, knowing that there is no help coming, there is no relief from this eternal torture. I must endure. I must become the very madness that resides within me. I have to survive. I will survive. I will live to see another day. But to do that, first, I need to kill myself. I need to drown my soul in so much pain, that it wishes that it had never entered my being, and then, as my soul begs me for mercy, i will put it to rest. All that I was, all that I am and everything that I ever could have been…. I need to decimate all of it. And from my own corpse, I will rise again. Dripping with blood and gore of my former self. Honesty devoured. Purity defiled. Sanity torn apart. Love ripped to shreds. Hope mutilated. Happiness murdered. Leaving only the pain. There is nothing left inside me. But still, I beg everyday looking at the empty heavens, to let there be numbness. Instead, each day the pain rises, like a great serpent raising its head out of the ocean, it rises within my heart and spreads like wildfire to my mind, burning every thought, every memory and all peace in its way. Still I am falling. I look to figure out how deep is the pit, but all I see is utter darkness above me, below me, all around me. Now, I can’t even remember who I once was. I don’t remember the last time I laughed or felt joy or even just the warmth of another soul. All I know now ? It is this darkness, the winter of my own solitude and the naked raw pain.
But yes. I am alive and I will survive.