I couldn’t make it up… (even if I wanted to)

I think it’s funny that you feel entitled to ask stupid things, like ‘why, why are you so angry?”. Well, maybe it has something to do with the way your face looks, it might be as petty as that. Or maybe, it has something to do with the voice that you said those words you said. Or, even more than that, it might be me. It might be general frustration, that despite my yearning to change, I have lived here so long, this is really all I know. This is who I am. They tell me all the time, I have the ability to change myself, by the actions I take. And usually, the uncomfortably of doing new things goes away, generally because i didn’t die as a result of doing it. But that doesn’t even mean I got anything out of it. Well, the only good thing I’m getting these days is a lesson in life. How to live it, if I want to be a nice lady. And you know, I’m really willing to try anything. I do enjoy some of the peace I have acquired from a half-way sound mind, but I don’t so much enjoy fighting against my nature so much. I guess its always going to trouble me that what I am, isn’t who I should be. It grinds my gears that people are evil, ya know? But they don’t have to look at themselves the way I look at myself because they don’t abuse substances. Generally speaking, people fucking suck, and I don’t even hate the fact that i know I am okay by myself with a bottle of Hose Cuervo, a joint and needle full of dope. And to this day, if I could get on in life not hurting everyone else (Because deep down, I do care if I hurt people) I would fucking write and live in the goddam nature and be one with myself. I guess I am supposed to be growing, and learning that people can be trustworthy, and human relationships make us healthier.. I guess that might be true. And I know for a matter of fact that feeling of “Being Different”, snowflake style, is just an illusion in my mind. That I create and live there, and qualify out of all types of scenarios. Goddamn it man, I just really don’t like people very much at all. Any day. Ever. Unless they have something to bring to the table. I guess, in my perfect world, I would have this crafted man or woman, who I could collaborate with, you know, and just exist with them only on an island. You know, someone introverted like me. That only wants to talk when they have something of sustenance to share. Maybe one day that will happen. Until then, i will continue to try to tolerate humanity, be okay by myself with myself, and not let my stupid thoughts eat me alive.

Peace, love and hairgrease… 

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6 thoughts on “I couldn’t make it up… (even if I wanted to)

      1. Well, ah.
        Somewhere deep down, you’re right. Very right.
        But, I’ve already suffered a lot. I mean, i don’t exactly pay heed to them but i do have some jigsawed pieces which i need to figure out, and really don’t have the courage to :/
        Anyways, hey there. How are youu? 🙂

        Like

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