THE RABBIT HOLE

Here’s the deal.

Most of you have been here for a while now, and if you’ve read my posts, you know a little bit about me and about my feelings.

He’s not responsible for all of the sappy and lovey posts, but he has one or two that belong solely to him.

He’s someone who has affected me a lot because of my past and my current situation, so yeah, some of my posts are about him, and some topics were in my mind because of him.

A couple of months ago I met someone who’s been great – sometimes.

For privacy purposes, let’s call him Stranger.

I was at a bad place, mostly because of my exes who left me a little discouraged and afraid to try anything new.

And then this guy comes into my life and turns it upside down – not sure if in a bad way or good way, I guess that’s something we’ll decide in the future.

Anyway, he came into my life and he’s been making me feel all of these things.

He’s not even aware of what he does to me.

I don’t think he fully grasps how important he has become in my life.

When we started our relationship, I was convinced that it would just be a fling.

Some good company and great sex and an amazing friendship.

That was pretty accurate for the first few months, at least the friendship part.

And then things started to change.

Here I am thinking, wow.

I really like this guy.

How come he’s making me feel all of these things?

How come he could do what others couldn’t?

I guess you could say he brought me out of my funk.

I remember when we started talking, and I just knew that he just wanted to have fun.

He wasn’t looking for anything serious either.

And then I realized that I loved him.

I love him.

I knew that it was dangerous.

My friend had told me to stay away from him- ” he’s a whore” “he’s not right for you”

I ignored them, hoping for a better outcome.

I was silly.

Anyway, They were right, and he disappointed me.

I knew it was a possibility, I just didn’t want to admit it.

i was sad, I was distraught, I was let down.

I stopped talking to him for about a month.

I didn’t have the right to be upset with him, we weren’t a real couple anyway.

We were just messing around.

“Fucking” – I called it at one point.

It was love makin for me, I was just sad, dissapointed.

I eventually realized that it wasn’t all his fault.

My feelings aren’t his problem.

So we started talking again, romantically.

I loved him, and I wanted to be with him because that was better than not being with him.

It’s been a few months now.

Sometimes I think I’m dumb, stupid for being with him.

For putting myself through another similar situation.

Truth is, I have hope for us.

I’m scared of him.

He terrifies me.

He brings out the ghosts at night.

He’s the demons that pull on my bedsheets at night.

But without him, the demons would be there anyway.

“What if you didn’t give it enough of a chance?”

” What if this would’ve happened?”

“What if that would of happened.?”

I love him enough to try again. To see where things can go with us.

I love him enough to forget about what happened in the past.

I love him enough to ….

I just love him.

I want to fall in love with him one day.

I want to give us a chance.

I won’t love enough for the both of us.

The love can’t be one sided.

I’m on the mountain, but I won’t be here by myself.

I love you, i do.

But once I feel too alone, too lonely up here.

If I feel like the chance is no longer there.

If I ever feel like our chance left us behind, don’t be mad when I climb down the mountain.

Yes, I love you.

Yes, I will continue to love you,

but I’m not stupid.

I’m not going to hurt myself over you.

I love but I don’t love stupidly.

If our chance ever leaves us behind, I’ll love you from far away.

Because honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.

My love for you is more than what I ever thought it would be.

I look at you and I smile.

I look at you and see someone great.

We make love and the butterflies fly around us in a secretive pattern.

And then you tell me that you’d lie to me.

You’d do anything to not make me upset.

And my stomach turns and the butterflies abruptly stop and fly away.

And I’m left with a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat.

because i love you.

And if you would love me i don’t know how you’re even able to think of something like that.

I guess time will tell.

I guess eventually we will see where the rabbit hole leads.

I’m hoping it’s paradise.

but there could just be dirt down there.