I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be an optimist tonight. I don’t even have the capacity to string words together right now, but I’m terrified I’ll end up carving them on my wrist again if I don’t. So I’m going to let my thoughts unspool themselves, unencumbered by reservations.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about what advice I would give to a large group of people, if I ever had to. I’ve decided upon “words are powerful”. I don’t think most people realize that words have strength to start wars. To shatter hearts. To push a person to her breaking point. To rip apart a country. And to end lives.
I’d say to this fictitious group of poeple to whom I’m giving advice, that they ought to consider every one of their words very carefully, particularly when angry and speaking to someone you love. Because I’ve learned that when someone you love tells you, over and over, what a hateful person you are- or that you’re stupid, fat, ugly, worthless- there will come a time, when, regardless of underlying evidence, you will start to believe it. And it tears into the fabric of your soul.
That’s not what’s hurting me tonight, though. What’s causing the pain is the fact that because of her words, I don’t think I love her anymore. I’m struggling to smile at her. To say all the right things. To pretend like I have a shred of trust, an iota of respect for her. I think she sees the disgust and fear in my eyes though- I was never any good at pretending. I don’t think I love her anymore. I’m not sure I want to.
Words are powerful. Aren’t they?