Once upon a time, we grew up believing happy ever afters. We were full of hope and dreams that one day, we will meet someone, a soulmate, a prince or princess, someone we can call a significant other, the half of our hearts, the angel with the other wing. But as we grow older, we see the realities of this world. We realize that there is more to life than just fairy tales and magic and happy endings.
Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I was not exempted from this kind of childhood. I grew up wanting to be a princess, to lose a slipper, to kiss a frog and turn him into my knight in shining armor, to love a beast, and to be awaken by true love’s kiss. I was so hooked up with the fantasies I have only read in books and watched in movies. It took me a river of tears and a broken heart to wake up from a dream which turned into a nightmare.
I fell in love. I was freaking madly, deeply in love with this guy I thought felt the same way for me. I had high hopes that we were gonna last forever. The kind of hope that was not really easy to let go. I held on as tight as I can and tried everything in my power to keep us together. And one day, I snapped out of it. I got tired, I was hopeless, I stopped believing in what used to bemy forever.
It did not happen all in a snap, though. It took me years and years of waiting, hoping, and heartbreak, not knowing if I should hold on or let go.
I can say I gave it my all but still ended up empty and lost. I was always always there for him when the world turns its back on him. Never once did I take my own interest before his. It was always him on priority. But in the end, I am still always not good enough. I was always being pushed away. I felt taken for granted and unappreciated. There was a point in time when I did not want to do any more for him. I just wanted to stop altogether. But I was in love. I was blinded by the light and sparkle of it all.
So, yes, I held on. For a long time. And the “you’re never gonna be good enough for me”, “you’re not the woman I would want to spend the rest of my life with”, and “you have too many non-negotiable traits and I’m not willing to compromise” did not stop. Guess what? It still kept me holding on. I was determined to change his mind, to see me differently, to make him feel that it is worth it. That we were worth it. That I was worth it.
Years passed. And if anything, it just grew worse every single day. I tried to stay and mend my broken heart and shattered dreams. I realized it wasn’t easy. Not at all. When you fall in love, you start building dreams along the way and plan your life ahead of you. That is why when everything goes crumbling down, it is never easy to jumpstart your life especially when you were very convinced that this guy is your dream-come-true.
This is what I get in watching too many fairy tales and chick flicks. I had high hopes in love which enabled me to love and just love without waiting for anything in return believing that in the end, the love I have will conquer it all. So when it didn’t it tore me apart. I stopped believing in forever. I had the words “forever is a lie” tuned to some music playing in my head on infinite loop. I was heartbroken and it felt like my heart was taken out of my chest and been trampled upon until it stops beating. It took away my trust in all the good that love brings and my hopes for a happy-ever-after kind of love story.
I know it will not be easy to bring back all the broken dreams and trust and shattered hopes. But I will still be faithful. I will keep on believing that when God closes a door, it is because He knows we are worth so much more. To walk the paths of life alone sure is lonely, but maybe by walking on this journey alone, I’ll meet someone. Someone who will make me realize why it didn’t work in the past. Someone who will make me see that true love still exists. It may not have come at the time I needed it to, but it definitely will come at the time it is destined to. This person, when he comes, is going to make me want to believe in forever again. The person who’s holding the other end of the rope. The real one. The right one. And I would not want it any other way.