I am scared.

I’m afraid of spiders. 

And things that bite. 

Poisonous things. 

Furry insects.

Bees. 

People in white vans. 

People who seem to be following me even when they’re not. 

Bugs.

Spider webs (even without spiders. Hey! It’s gotta be somewhere right!?) 

Falling in love. 

Love itself. 

Feelings. (Aheem) 

Emotions (too many?)

I’m scared of falling off of roller coasters when I’m on them and eating a worm when I’m eating sunflower seeds.

I’m scared of stepping wrong and hurting myself. 

But I’m extremely scared of…. Myself. 

I’m scared of me because I control me. 

I’m scared of me because I think, I feel, I emotionate (?) .

I’m scared because I have the power to do … Everything or nothing ..

Or everything and nothing 

I have so much power over myself that It’s scary. 

I’m scared of making the wrong decision that will impact….. STUFF. 

I’m scared of making the right decision because what if the wrong decision was more fun or exciting or what if I would’ve gotten to the right decision after making the wrong decision anyway!? 

I want to learn and live and laugh. (Cliche, yes, I know.)

Do you see what I mean though? 

There are so many choices! 

So much to do! 

And I have to choose. 

I have to decide. 

I have to cross out tons to keep one. 

And I’m scared of doing the wrong thing. 

Picking the wrong “one”

Ending up in the “wrong” “place”. 

Yes, yes. 

I know there is no wrong or right. 

It’s a matter of choice. 

I know. 

But when you look at it, you can definitely pick one outcome you like better than the other. (In your own little mind, anyway)

It’s just that,my mind replays all the choices and scenarios and possibilities and lives.

That it scares me to know that one choice could change my whole destiny. 

One evening, at three forty seven. 

One morning at six thirty two. 

One night at eleven twenty nine. 

I’m obviously not naming them all because we’d be here forever but you get the gist. 

I’m only human. 

And I have fears. 

(lots of them) 

I’m afraid of having children and being a bad parent.

I’m afraid of disappointing my family or my boyfriend or my friends, basically all the people I care for.

I’m afraid of picking the wrong universities and not studying hard enough for that one exam I knew I’d fail otherwise.

I’m full of them but I won’t continue. 

I think you get it.

But even though I’m afraid. 

Even though all of these things make me so apprehensive that sometimes I want to give up.

I never do. 

Because oh,  

Oh how worth it, it is to be scared. 

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3 thoughts on “I am scared.

  1. The picture you have in your head of what *should* be of what ruins what *is*. I *should* be graduating from college and starting a career but I dropped at and now I *am* a single mom of 2 who has to call cps on her ex. Don’t worry about how things *should* be. There are many paths to get you to where you’re supposed to be whether you realize that’s it or not.

    Like

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