//An eulogy for myself because you will never write one//
You’re crying right now.
You’re crying because you didn’t believe me
When I told you that I couldn’t breathe anymore.
You’re crying because you didn’t start running
With the phone pressed to your ear
And kept running until you started leaving
Bloodstained footmarks on the 3 AM streets
To mark your attempts at saving me.
There’s only so far a person can run
Before the flesh starts peeling away from the bones
And floods everything in a sea of red.
And honey, you never learnt how to swim.
But it’s okay.
You’d have been too late anyway.
Lack of oxygen takes only six minutes to kill a person,
And I lived a light-year away.
You couldn’t have saved me
Even if you ran at the speed of light.
You’re crying because you couldn’t save me.
I didn’t want you to.
I wasn’t born to be saved, honey.
I was born to cause forest fires,
Flood every corner of every house that I ever lived in,
Destroy every person that I ever visited.
Honey, I was a disaster
Born to leave destruction in my wake,
And I did.
Numbers won’t let you calculate
The damage caused by my death.
You cannot collect all the tears in a beaker, Measure the volume
And multiply it by 6.022 x 10^23
To find out how much pain I’ve passed on
To the people I have left behind.
Honey, you cannot measure pain on a scale.
Do not try.
I do not know if this ended up
Sounding more like a suicide note
Than an eulogy,
But I swear I didn’t kill myself.
I just decided to stop breathing,
Refused to let oxygen flood my lungs
And pump through my arteries.
Refused to stay alive.
Do not cry because you couldn’t build me a home
Out of all the love that you had,
Because I wouldn’t have stayed anyway.
I wasn’t born to stay, honey.
I was born to fly,
To break away every shackle that ever tried
To stop me from running away,
To never let the word home
Conjure an image every time I closed my eyes.
But now, after spending all my life like a nomad,
I have finally found a home that I do not want to leave.
Honey, death feels like homecoming.